Ephesians 6:4, Fathers, Train Them (Part 2)

Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, Train Them, Part B

 

Introduction:  ENGAGE!

            Last week we saw that Fathers are to take seriously the Scriptures.  Take seriously the Scriptures when it comes to parenting.  If not, then there are 3 Pitfalls I have seen that we fathers fall into when it comes to our role in fathering. 

 

The first Pitfall is Passivity.  When a father falls into this pit, he is indifferent to his responsibility to be a father.  He passes it off to the mother, the school, the pastor or youth pastor and so on.  He has no problems with the TV babysitting his kids, or, letting friends be the biggest influence on his kids. 

Illustration:  James Dobson cited a Cornell University study showing that fathers of preschool children on the average spend 38 seconds per day in real contact with their youngsters. In contrast, the study indicated that children watch television approximately 54 hours per week. 

 

What we are talking about here is a dad who is present in the home but he is absent as a father, so to speak.

 

The second Pitfall is Pre-Occupation.  A father is just too busy to be a father in any meaningful way to his kids.  He is physically absent.  Maybe his work is more important to him, or, his recreation, or his buddies are more important, but, fathering his children is not a great priority to him. 

 

This is the dad that might buy into the lie that “Quality time is more important than quantity of time”.  So, he plans outings and vacations and events once in a great while to have “quality” time, thinking that this makes up for the huge gaps of time where he has been absent. 

 

The problem is that his occasional “quality” time cannot overcome the everyday quantity of time that everything else in the world is having on his child.  While he may spend a little quality time with his kids every so often, it is everyone else who spends every day with his kids.  And if the quantity of time spent with friends, other students, teachers, teammates, coaches, TV, media and so on will have more influence than an occasional good time with dad. 

 

The third Pitfall is a Dad who is Perplexed.  This is where a father perhaps wants to be a better father, but, he isn’t sure how to go about doing it.  He is confused.  He needs tools, teachings, and some help - so long as he actually has the commitment. 

 

Fathers, we need to avoid these pitfalls.  Paul is going to speak to us today.  Let us not be too passive, too busy, or too confused anymore. 

 

Notice the structure of the verse first of all.  It is very simple.  Paul gives two commands – one negative, one positive.  He gives the negative command first, “Do not exasperate your kids.”  Then he gives a positive command, “Train them”.  Let us look at the negative first.

 

Fathers, Do Not Exasperate:

            Fathers, we must not exasperate them.  What we must not do to our children is to exasperate them.  Paul says in verse 4, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children…”  The word “exasperate” is a word that means “to provoke”.  It means “to make angry”.  It means “to stir up wrath”. 

 

Notice fathers are addressed.  It is we who are particularly exhorted here by Paul.  Why does he emphasize us?  The reason is because the greatest pitfall of fathers is to provoke their children and cause them to grow up hating them. 

 

Now, this isn’t talking about making sure our child is always happy and always gets what he or she wants.  This doesn’t mean there aren’t rules, consequences, discipline and punishment.  It doesn’t mean that as parents we never make mistakes in our parenting either.  Rather, “to exasperate” means that the way we treat them day in and day out will result in a deep-seated resentment towards us.  Exasperation is the outcome of our behavior towards them over the long-term.

 

Colossians 3:21 says something very similar, “Fathers do not embitter your children or they will become discouraged.”  Fathers, let our children not be driven to discouragement, or to exasperation for having us as fathers.  Let us fathers take extra care to avoid doing this to our children.  (Are we building up resentment in our children by our being overly-strict or over-bearing?  Do we demand far more than is reasonable?  Do we lack interest in them or patience with them?)

 

If our goal WERE to exasperate our children, let me quickly list 10 ways we can do that as fathers.

 

            First, be hypocritical.  Pretend to be one thing in public while that’s what we’re not at home.  This translates into an expectation that our children be what we ourselves are not willing to be.  Let us always remember that credibility with our children comes from our authentic pursuit of personal godliness in our own lives.  Paul said in 1 Corinthians 11:1, “Imitate me for I imitate Christ.”  He said in Philippians 4:9, “Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice.”  If we told our kids to imitate us, what would we see when they do?

 

            Second, insist you are always right.  Never admit when we’ve been wrong.  Let us not even consider that we have done anything wrong with them, therefore, don’t even consider asking for their forgiveness.  Insist that things are always their fault, not ours.  Even if we have to bully them or overwhelm them with our arguments.  James 5:16 says “Confess your sins to one another…”  Let us confess to our children if we have done wrong.

 

Third, never forgive.  Remind them of their failures, drag up their past mistakes, always keep in front of them every wrong they’ve ever committed. I can’t think of anything that is better to teach our children the complete antithesis of what God is like.  God says in Jeremiah 31:34, “I will remember their sins no more.”  Forgiveness means we never bring it up again, to the person, to others, or to yourself.  We’ve cancelled their debt and we’re not trying to collect anymore.  How many kids need to know their parents love them beyond their faults?

 

Illustration:  There's a Spanish story of a father and son whose relationship had become estranged. The son ran away, and the father set off to find him. He searched for months to no avail.  Finally, in a last desperate effort to find him, the father put an ad in a Madrid newspaper. The ad read: Dear Paco, meet me in front of this newspaper office at noon on Saturday. All is forgiven. I love you. Your Father.  On Saturday 800 Pacos showed up, looking for forgiveness and love from their fathers.

 

 

            Fourth, insist they meet unreasonable expectations.  Push them to an unrealistic standard.  Demand the highest performance every time.  Set the bar too high so that they really never have any hope of attaining it.  And if they do attain it, it is only because they believe it’s the only way to earn our love.  One variation of this problem is parents who try to live their dreams through their children.  When parents see their child only as a vehicle for their own glory and selfish ambitions there is a sure formula to exasperate a child. 

 

            Fifth, never encourage them.  Never praise them or recognize them for the good they do.  Instead, keep telling them they never do anything right, they always get it wrong, and we’re always disappointed in them.  If we don’t tell them verbally, let us refrain from praising them, and let our tone, our attitude, and our demeanor always show our disappointment in them. 

 

A variation of this is when parents are inconsistent with their expectations.  The kids feel like it’s a moving target when it comes to what your expectations for them are.

 

Illustration:  Keith Hernandez was one of baseball's best players. He had a lifetime batting average over 300.  He won numerous Golden Glove awards for his excellent fielding. He's won a batting championship for having the highest average, the Most Valuable Player, and even the World Series.

Yet with all his accomplishments, he has missed out on something crucially important to him.  His father has never accepted or recognized that anything he has done is valuable.

One day in an interview Keith shared openly about a conversation with his dad.  He said that one day he asked his father, "Dad, I have a lifetime .300 batting average. What more do you want?" His father replied, "But someday you're going to look back and say, 'I could have done more.'"

 

            Sixth, be overly strict.  This can result from being either over-protective or it can come from pride as parents.  Either we want our children to never experience anything bad, or, we want to prevent them from embarrassing us.  So, we keep a set of rules that are too rigid and unfair and don’t allow them any freedom to make decisions.  William Barclay says this on this point:  “We can exercise such a control that it is an insult to the way we bring up our children.  To keep children reined in for too long is to say that we do not trust them, which is simply to say that we have no confidence in the way in which we have trained them.  It is better to make a mistake of too much trust than of too much control.”

 

This requires wisdom and judgment on our parts as parents.  How much freedom should we give them at each stage of their childhood?  Generally the older they get the more they should have freedom to make choices.  We want to avoid treating 8^th graders like 1^st graders, or 18 year olds like 13 year olds.  Just as it is inappropriate to allow too much freedom too early in a child’s life, it is also inappropriate to overly restrict freedom later on when they are older.  

 

            Seventh, compare them to siblings or other kids.  Make another kid - either a sibling or a friend - the bar by which they are constantly measured is a sure way to embitter our child towards us.  That other kid can be the standard we want our kid to be like, or, the standard that we don’t want them to be like.  Related to this is not playing favorites with kids.  Comparing children to each other can be devastating to a child, especially the less favored one.   I would remind us here that in the Bible, Isaac favored Esau over Jacob, but, Rebekah favored Jacob.  That created problems that are still with us today.

 

            Eighth, provide a loveless home.  Let our children grow up in homes where there is no love, where they find only an unapproachable and unaffectionate father who is cold and never turns his face towards them.    

 

A variation of this a loveless home is to use our love to manipulate them.  Use it as a tool of reward and punishment.  Withhold our love when they are bad, and grant it when they are good.  Teach them that love is conditional, that they only get it when they perform and meet our standards.  They are only worth our love when they achieve what you set for them. 

 

Ninth, neglect them.  Act like they aren’t there.  Everything else is more important to pay attention to.  Like the pitfalls mentioned earlier, a passive dad or a pre-occupied dad both neglect their children. 

 

Tenth, and last, abuse them.  Physical or verbal.  Be overbearing, hurtful.  Overpower them in arguments.  Insult them, mock them, tease them, taunt them, disrespect them, put them down. 

 

***Fathers we should be their greatest encouragement, not discouragement.  Aspire to give them fond memories of your instructions, loving encouragement, support and even discipline

 

Conclusion:

I want to conclude with a couple applications.  First of all, maybe you are an adult that is suffering from a parent who treated you in one of these ways.  In other words, you are exasperated.  You are embittered towards your father or mother.  You resent one or both of them.  What are you to do?  The Bible says that you are to forgive.  I don’t know what happened to you, but, I know God knows.  He wants you to cancel the debt your parents owe you for what they put you through.  Forgiveness mends much.  Forgiveness is done from faith in the Lord.  Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be compassionate towards one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.”  The command to forgive is given to people who have been hurt.  It’s not given to people who aren’t struggling with bitterness or anger.  This command doesn’t apply to anyone who isn’t carrying a grudge or resentment. 

 

Second, maybe your children are adults now, and now you realize you have exasperated them.  Well, you can’t do it over again.  But, you can start over with them.  That means you need to go to your children and ask for their forgiveness.  Be humble enough to acknowledge to them specifically the ways you know you hurt them.  Forgiveness mends much. 

 

Third, maybe you have children still under your roof that you have exasperated.  Is all hope lost?  No.  I would recommend two things.  First, seek their forgiveness.  Ask them to forgive you for the specific way in which you acknowledge you have hurt them.  Second, start humbly seeking to change in the areas you know you need to improve in.  Pray.  Study God’s Word.  Get input from other fathers you respect.  Make it a priority for yourself.  By asking forgiveness without sincerely starting to change is like writing a check to someone knowing it will bounce. 

 

Fourthly, maybe you have young children and are just starting out.  Make being a father the 3^rd most important role you play:  first is a man of God, second is a godly husband.  Keep it in that order and you won’t lose out.